*TRIGGER WARNING* (2020)
– a statement cautioning the viewer that content discussed may be disturbing or upsetting.**
A note from the artist:
These images carry a story that only begins to unfold once they have come in contact with the viewer.
The notion of mental health and medicating in order to quench an illness, instability, or disorder
is an inherently negative attempt to suppress a part of yourself that is deemed abnormal.
In psychological theory, medication is beneficial to the patient, and in reality, it works in most cases.
But medication still has a lifespan and it can only work for so long;
your body gets used to the chemicals, and your brain gets loud again.
There is a recurring timeline of extreme exhaustion and bursts of intense emotion
because your body can no longer hold it all in.
There is an invisible battle constantly going on inside of your head.
This project is not for or against antidepressants.
It is just my account and afterthoughts.
It is open to interpretation.
You are not sober
You are not you
You are a carcass
A shadow
Of what you once knew
Tiptoeing in circles
Around the shrapnel
Left undealt with
Rotting away in my brain
Do people think that I’m insane?
I can’t take this anymore
Please
I need to get out
There’s no doubt in my mind
That it’s my fears I must leave behind
Following me like a dark cloud
Their weight bears heavy on my shoulders
I can feel it in my bones.
Snap out
You’re in a crowd
And it’s so loud you can’t get out
The feeling’s riddling your nerves
No one sees you
Never heard.
I’m screaming now
I can’t get out
I’m running ‘round and ‘round
Trying to find the exit door.
Running through the crowd
I’m trying to find the exit door.
Where is the exit door?
Satiate the sadness
stop the noise
by creating a void between my ears.
This ‘normal’ is no longer normal.
A faint whisper
— a thought —
Echoing change.
A piece of sellotape on a broken pipe.
You will lose track of who you are.
Upping the dosage once again,
taking away your consciousness.
Your eyes are seeing,
but all that your brain can render is shapes.
Everything becomes a question
that you don’t know the answer to.
Numb.
These pills give you dull, blunt, nothingness
— a mute button —
for when your head becomes too loud.
A temporary pause,
until you are ready to feel something
(anything) again.
Until you are ready to
re-enter the world.
These pills represent a multitude of changes.
At first, for the better,
— albeit a theoretical ‘better,’
packaged in brightly coloured capsules —
The best of the bad options.
To feel everything, on full blast, all the time;
or to suffocate these feelings in clouds of exhaustion and confusion?
But happiness is subjective,
And antidepressants are like turning down the volume on a metaphorical speaker
that only plays heavy metal.
The screaming can no longer be heard,
but the pain resonates and reverberates,
getting caught in your throat,
long after the music has stopped.
** Previously referred to as ‘Shell Shock’ (WWI), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder was coined from the psychological effects that the Vietnam War had on its soldiers. “Triggers” refer to experiences or events that cause a trauma survivor to re-experience an incident, go into avoidance mode, or “numb out”. Trigger warnings became mainstream in the wake of social networks such as Tumblr, Twitter, and Facebook; where you could find romanticised normalisations of serious mental illnesses simply by searching a hashtag.